Heart.

It was early in the morning when I got up to pray.

My body already missed the bed as I quietly crept across the bathroom tile into my closet to sit down and pray.

Though my eyes didn’t want to open all the way, the longings of fulfillment in my heart had beckoned me into the Lord’s presence.

I opened my journal and grabbed the pen. As I sat and spoke with God, I honestly and humbly poured out my heart to the Father.

I was wrestling through the flesh and into The Spirit in my serving life.

God had blessed me with a beyond amazing group of girls who I adored pouring into but just as it seemed we were reaching a difficult turn in our walk together I had felt the tug of the Holy Spirit saying to step away from this ministry.

This was a huge hurdle for pride for me, a giant leap out of my comfort zone, and a hard decision to feel like I was leaving them in a time of need.

For the first time in my life, I prayed to God for a specific sign. If this was truly His leading, I wanted to be surefooted and obedient.

He told me to look for a heart.

Being a visual person I had thought it would be easy. After all, there are hearts all over the place.

In the days after my prayer, my eyes were set on full on heart watch.

I looked as I drove, as I was online, when I went places… yet somehow, they were nowhere to be found…nothing seemed to be an answer.

Sitting in my office one afternoon, I felt discouraged.

I started internally questioning God. What if I had heard Him right? What if it was all in my head?

Then he lead me to go online to search for serving opportunities. This seemed odd since I had always just looked through my church but when Jesus says go, we go.

As only God can, he would lead me to a non profit with heart, not only once in the name, but twice.

I had chuckled to myself… I remember murmuring, “I see what you did there.”

Heart was so much more than a word for me in 2017, it would become a permanent part of my world.

A consistent string that wove through every crevice of my life.

Through this non profit, God would lead me to a woman who had the biggest emotional heart and spirit but was fatally suffering from congenital heart failure.

She would share with me her wisdom and love for Jesus, teach me so many lessons that she didn’t even know I was searching for, and show me that the place I am called to serve is to the least of these.

God had pulled me out of student ministry and into a ministry for the elderly.  A place that was far from comfort but full of life in service.

Although, God didn’t stop there. My grandmother would come to have an emergency heart surgery. She would go in for  what we were told would be a routine procedure, that would turn into a quadruple bypass.

God’s provision of this event and Him having staged this non profit in my life would be a saving grace in watching my grandmother suffer through the pain. Through visiting with this elderly woman I would be able to understand so many things that would have been terrifying outside of that knowledge of the heart.

Even Still, He didn’t stop there, my mother would be diagnosed with a reasonably new discovered condition POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). That would majorly effect her heart and lifestyle. It would be a new level of learning compassion which reached beyond understanding and it would mean a deeper level of praying for her as a daughter.

The last but most major “heart” that God did in 2017, was mine…

No I didn’t suffer a physical major defect of the heart, from a medical standpoint but from an emotional standpoint I was on the verge of heart failure.

2017 was a hard year… I had a severe battle spiritually and emotionally. So many of my relationships were suffering and so was I.

If you read many of my posts, I was extremely transparent about that struggle. By God’s grace and provision alone, my heart has been changed and restored.

Though I am not perfect, he changed my heart because through every trial and every place he put me, he showed me joy.

God taught me how to find happiness in a dark place.

His word was so beautiful in exposing my hearts broken pieces and His constant provision glued each piece of me back together and mended my heart.

As I reflected on 2017 and my word today, God told me to share this verse with all of you.

“If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” – Jeremiah 29:13

Some of you may be lost. You may be hurting, searching, or joyful even. Yet you know there is something missing…

My prayer for you in this season of renewal, as we celebrate the coming season of a new year, is to seek God wholeheartedly for your word.

Jesus, thank you for your word and for speaking to us though we are all broken sinners. God thank you for your provision in our lives and for your constant presence. Jesus I pray for clear vision for each heart seeking a word for 2018. Lord let their ears be open and their minds readied for the journey ahead. I pray for continual joy and perseverance for each of the people reading this. In Jesus’ name, amen.